What To Do In Winter
What to do in winter
LEANINGS
Peter Egan
PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW ME VERY well often say, “Egan, you’re a gearhead; you must survive those long winters in Wisconsin by getting out on your snowmobile.”
I usually tell them that while I have many motorcycle riding buddies who are also complete snowmobile nuts, the appeal of these machines has never really caught on with me. I’ve spent a lot of time on “sleds,” riding trails with my dad and father-in-law, and I actually went snowmobiling with the entire Unser family in Eagle River one winter while doing a story for a magazine-but I’ve never become fanatical about them.
Why not?
I’ve analyzed this in my mind (a process not unlike alchemy, in which nothing turns to gold) and decided that I’ve avoided the snowmobile addiction simply because I don’t get quite enough tactile satisfaction out of the way they handle.
I realize there are wizards who can do amazing things with snowmobiles, but at my low level of riding competence they don’t seem to require as much finesse as a good dirtbike. As my riding buddy Pat Donnelly says, “You don’t so much steer a snowmobile as estimate where it’s going to go.”
But then I feel the same way about quads. My fearless (not to say insane) friend Paul Roberts can actually fly down a forest trail faster on his fourwheeler than I can ride a dirtbike, to my eternal shame, but I’d still rather be on the bike. I just like the dynamics better.
Which is all a long-winded way of saying, no, I’m not an avid snowmobiler.
But to be perfectly honest, my biggest problem with snowmobiles, and with certain other invigorating winter sports such as ice racing, is simply that I hate to be cold.
When I was in the Army, I nearly froze to death in winter basic training, my teeth chattering like castanets. Since then, I’ve lost all desire to shiver continuously for periods of more than 12 hours. After a winter in the freezing rains of Kentucky, I actually enjoyed the steamy heat of Vietnam and never, ever complained about it-while grousing about virtually everything else.
No, I’d rather spend my winters in a warm garage, working on a bike and dreaming about summer, than running around in the snow. The only winter sport I really like is skiing, and I sometimes suspect the main attractions of even that are the bar near the fireplace and the hot-tub back at the lodge. Ice fishing, of course, is out of the question. There are limits.
My personal philosophy is that if the good Lord had wanted us to go outside in the winter, He would have made it a lot more pleasant.
So how do narrow-minded, closely focused motorcyclists like me manage to get through the long, dark and dismal non-riding season here in the upper Midwest?
Well, with spring in the air at the present moment and the snow slowly melting on our lawn, I have looked back at this particular winter and come up with a few helpful suggestions, based on recent experience.
1. Throw a Tropical Party. My friends at Corse Superbikes in Saukville, Wisconsin, did this at their Ducati/Aprilia/KTM bike dealership during February in the absolute depths of winter. They hired a musician/DJ to sing and play a mixture of Jimmy Buffett, Reggae and Hawaiian music, catered in a luau-type smorgasbord (there’s a crosscultural combination; Don Ho meets Ingmar Bergman) and required everyone to wear Hawaiian shirts. While we feasted on pork ribs and pineapple, dressed in our Parrot-Head best, gazing fondly upon exotic red and orange motorcycles, winter raged outside, all but unnoticed.
2. Go to a motorcycle show. All of us in the Slimey Crud Motorcycle Gang (SCMG) migrate southward to the Chicago bike show every year, and so do thousands of others. This gives you a chance to sit upon and ponder the merits of virtually every new motorcycle in the universe while wandering around with your friends in the huge heated Rosemont Center. If you stay in one of the connected hotels, there are heated swimming pools, and our hotel bar even had a happy hour, though your actual happiness may last considerably longer than that. For those on the Atkins diet, Morton’s and Gibson’s famous steak houses are right across the street. A weekend of self-contained paradise, with minimal outdoor exposure.
3. Throw a Slip & Slide Party. My friend Rob Himmelmann did this last weekend. He got out five or six of his huge dirtbike collection-including a couple of amazing Rokon two-wheeldrive Trail Breakers-and led a series of mercifully short rides on nearby trails through the snowy woods. Naturally, most of the time was spent in Rob’s garage, looking at all the great old bikes he’s accumulated over the years. A bunch of us hung out for the day, with all our critical motorcycle synapses firing like faulty Lucas ignition points, despite the cold outside. A little risk of too much fresh air here, but nothing lethal.
4. Form or join a motorcycle club that holds casual weekly meetings at a friendly bar that has free popcorn and peanuts and at least 20 ales, stouts and lagers on tap, including Guinness and Sprecher Black Bavarian. Discuss motorcycles, Nietzsche or the important role of the Hawker Hurricane during the Battle of Britain. Let it snow.
5. Go to Daytona, Southern California or anyplace the water is not frozen. Take a bike with you, or rent one. Send home postcards with palm trees on them.
With any luck at all, these simple strategies will allow you to get through the winter without having to demean yourself by participating in any winter sports that require more than a few moments of exposure to the cold and snow, thereby preserving your precious reservoir of enthusiasm for the important work of riding motorcycles on warm, sunny days in summer, as Nature intended. □
