What Motorcycle Testers Mean
WHAT MOTORCYCLE TESTERS MEAN
Dale Flanagan
Motorcycle testers work hard to bring you technical data and riding pressions on new bikes. Some testers, however, have developed such a well-used bag of standard phrases that, unless you understand what they’re really talking about, you can be misled. Therefore, as a public service, I present the following translations for some of these pat phrases.
A PROVEN DE SIGN—Obsolete. They’ve been making this turkey for at least 10 years, and no matter how they stripe the tank or chrome the kickstand, it’s still the same slug they pushed on the public over a decade ago.
INNOVATIVE; A HIGHLY ORIGINAL IDEA—The guys at the lab aren’t quite sure if the thing will work, so they’ve decided to run off a couple of thousand bikes to see if customers can get it to (a) work and (b) last longer than two weeks.
TECHNICALLY INTERESTING—I can’t understand what makes the darn thing go, but maybe if I give you all the specs on chain size, idler gears and bearing widths, you can figure it out.
IT NEEDS A LARGER DIAMETER FRONT TIRE AND WIDER REAR TIRE—No motorcyclist has ever bought a bike, especially a dirt bike, and found complete satisfaction with the stock tire size/width/type, so this should be a pretty safe thing to say.
Besides, talking about the bike’s inadequate tires gives me a chance to recount some hair-raising stories of how only my superior riding skills kept the bike from falling off a mountain, getting stuck in sand, etc.
FOR EXPERTS ONLY-I couldn’t ride it.
AIMED AT THE MORE SKILLE^ RIDER—I still couldn’t ride it.
AN EXCELLENT NOVICE BIKE— This one I could ride.
OUR MAXIMUM SPEED TEST WAS CUT SHORT, SO WE’RE QUOTING THE FACTORY FIGURES-I got nabbed for a 50 buck speeding ticket. So, to keep the old lady and the courts off my back, I’m using the figures supplied by the factory. They’re always good for a laugh.
THE BIKE REALLY GOES-It doesn’t handle.
WITH MINOR MODIFICATIONS—
There isn’t anything you can do to make this pig ridable, except maybe jacking up the gas cap and rolling a different bike under it.
MINOR PROBLEMS-The engine seized and the handlebars fell off, the assistant editor was riding it at tf^^ time and I thought it was funny.
(Continued on page 98)
Continued from page 96
AN ALMOST PERFECT BIKE-The distributor is holding my six-year-old child hostage. If I want to see her alive again I’d better come up with a fantastic review.
NEUTRAL WAS EASY TO FINDToo easy. The transmission keeps popping out of gear at embarrassing times; like when you’re trying to outrun two enraged chopper freaks you’ve just made a rude sign at.
HANDLEBAR PLACEMENT WAS IDEAL—Ideal for me, that is. If your knuckles don’t drag the ground you may find the throttle and other controls a bit far away.
THE BRAKE AND SHIFT LEVERS FELL RIGHT INTO PLACE UNDER MY TOES—I wear a size 16 shoe on my left foot and a 4Vi on my right.
THE TOOL KIT WAS EASY TO GET TO—It better be. With this toad you’ll be using it a lot.
THE SADDLE WILL COMFORTABLY SEAT TWO—I picked up this real foxy-looking blonde hitchhiker near B^^ Sur, see, and this chick starts right SB telling me how she’s a member of the Sexual Freedom League and....
PERHAPS A SHORT HISTORY OF THE MAKE (MODEL) IS IN ORDERThere’s not too much I can say about this bike that won’t land us in a libel suit, so I’d better stick to ancient history.
THE FACTORY COMPUTER-Two guys with an abacus designed the engine/suspension/frame.
THE BIKE REALLY HANDLES—It doesn’t go.
BEAUTIFUL STYLING—It won’t handle or go, so I’d better talk about how it looks.
DESPITE THE PROBLEMS, WE HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BIKE— My brother-in-law has a business selling these turkeys, so I’d better put a plug i|fe for the bike despite all the disasters. 1^^ business gets bad he’ll be living with us again ! 5j
