Know Thy Enemy
KNOW THY ENEMY
UP FRONT
EDITOR'S LETTER
A SHORT LIST OF HOW TO SPOT THE WORST OF THE FOUR-WHEELED MENACE
It's a dangerous world out there. It usually seems like everybody on four wheels is out to get us, but I've found that some are worse than
others. During my riding years, I've learned it's easy to spot the drivers who are the greatest menace. Here's a short list of indicators that will let you know you are in danger from these behindthe-wheel buffoons:
BODY DAMAGE: Fairly obvious, I know, but that’s why it’s important. And there’s some subtlety to reading the signs. Front-end damage can be a better indicator than rear, simply because it means they’re going to be moving faster (usually!) in the forward direction. I saw a vehicle recently that was so damaged that it was “crabbing” down the road, and the driver’s door was so mangled as to be unopenable; if the driver has to enter any door besides the correct one, that’s a car out to get you. And if there is tape of any kind in place to “fix” damage, well, proceed to the next tip.
TAPE: Pretty much any tape on the exterior of a vehicle is a great indicator the driver just doesn’t care about the condition of his car and has zero mechanical aptitude. If it’s duct tape or gaffer’s tape, he’s at least pretending to be handy, and maybe you can cut him a nanometer of slack. Like he might actually notice brakes grinding metal to metal. But if you see clear packing tape or, worse, office-type Scotch tape, chances are he’ll mow you down and think the bump was just his cell phone vibrating.
THE MATTRESS: No citizen has ever safely carried a mattress on a personal car. Ever. You’ve seen them tied on with dental floss. You’ve seen the driver trying to hold it on with one arm and no other apparent means of attachment.
If it is tied on with twine or other
incredibly high-tensile material, you’ve then seen the mattress lifting and folding from the sheer force of the wind. If you’re lucky, the flimsy plastic roof rack will pull off slowly, giving you time for evasive action.
WHEELS/TIRES: I’ve become fanatical about spotting underinflated tires, having watched an overloaded minivan with a low rear suddenly start to smoke and then blow right in front of me.
So I’m always scanning for poochedout sidewalls or lower-than-normal profiles. Other indicators of trouble are mismatched rims and tires of various sizes and/or brands. If you spot an overloaded pickup at a light with four different tires in various states of inflation, ride for your life! Or see if you can reach in to steal their ignition key. Then ride for your life.
DRIVER’S HANDS: This one is huge.
If you can’t see both of a driver’s hands (preferably on the steering wheel), you are in danger. If you can’t see both hands and the driver is looking down while trying to look like he’s not looking down, then he’s texting or dialing or doing something with his mobile phone that is threatening your life, his life, and the lives of all those around him. Take the nearest side road or highway exit and take a break until he’s way gone.
Unfortunately, this is so common that you’d never get anywhere if you pulled over like this every time you saw somebody texting. Can we all agree that the mobile phone is the worst thing to happen to motorcycling in its entire history? Can we please get everybody who drives to pledge that they won’t even think about their phone while driving?
MARK HOYER
THIS MONTH'S STATS
NUMBER OF MATTRESSES SEEN IN THE ROAD ON MY COMMUTE TODAY
INFINITY
NUMBER OF HEARTS BROKEN BY THE PASSING OF MASSIMO TAMBURINI
TOTAL NUMBER OF TESTBIKE PISTONS
